Euphemisms

This part of my blog is to update those who are interested in the adventures of the very elderly in our family. I hope that some of our experiences will be helpful to those of you who are going through this process.

This is an ongoing project. One that you cannot quit. It is like having a two year old again. We are fortunate to have our elderly parents still with us. Yes, fortunate. They drive us crazy sometimes but of course we love them. My brother does what Dad calls a yoeman's job taking Dad every other day to dialysis, taking Mum to the doctor and then Dad to another doctor, paying their bills and running interference when Mum has sharpened up her tongue and told someone off.

It is a very scary thing to have to make decisions for someone else.
My parents are 89 and 93 and are currently living in what is euphemistically called 'independent living' arrangement. It has been a long hard struggle to get them into this apartment building and sometimes an even harder struggle to get them to stay there. When we are in the middle of one of their bad turns and the elders want to just go home and turn the clock back it is hard not to agree and wish we could too.
However the reality is; the house is sold and the move is complete, everything that can be crowbarred into their little suite has been and everything else has been distributed to family members or given to charity or thrown in the garbage. Good grief there was a lot of garbage! Not that our parents were hoarders. They just were frugal and they thought that there might someday be a purpose for a collection of jig saw puzzles with pieces missing or handless pots or a chinese calculator or twelve electric razors and 21 cords.

Independent living it is not. Maybe it makes everyone feel better if they think they still have their freedom. Possibly if they had moved in when they were in their 80s they would have experienced the independent part. But at this stage, they confuse easily, have lost a lot of strength and have medical issues that preclude living alone.

A little stress in their lives, like a telephone bill accidently sent by the phone company with a clerical error, can completely unwind them. My brother pays the bills so there is no need for them to worry that their phone would be cut off. But when our parents were living in their huge house that incident actually happened and sent them in tears driving around town looking for a Telus store (there aren't any anymore) and then to their beds without lunch or supper and being old and frail that began a decending spiral into illness and hospital trips and terror. I know that sounds crazy but when a very frail older person doesn't eat, they quickly lose strength and get confused and they fall down the rabbit hole of repeating the worrying and the not eating or mixing up their medications and then they end up calling my brother to get an ambulance, because they have fibrilations or have slipped and fallen.
This doesn't happen in an 'independent living' arrangement. Someone is there to call them to dinner or call an ambulance at the very least.

Knowing this, you can get some peace of mind in the middle of the night.

Our parents bought into the ridiculous misguided government propaganda that old people should stay in their homes as long as possible. (Determined by whom?) This is just another BS government money saving scheme on the backs of the elderly. The government didn't bother to explain to our parents that 'their home' could be an apartment with personal services. Not necessarily the house they have lived in for over 40 years. What these young twits in the regional health authorities don't know is that most elderly people are law and rule abiding in the extreme, they do not question their doctors or their politicians or their government officials.
So, because their budgets need to have room in them for fact finding missions or some such crap these bureaucrats perpetuate the stay at home myth.
Oh, I guess I am ranting. But, this country needs more AFFORDABLE independent living arrangements. Or at least this province does.

So, here is the scoop. When the time has come, no wait, before the time comes, warm your elderly relatives up to the impending move. Give them a good 6 months to a year to get used to the idea that it is not something that might happen, but that it is something that will happen.
Then, pray for a doctor to tell them that it is time to go. Oh by the way, that won't happen, because the docs are too scared of the patient's family to insult the patient. I have seen my own GP do this with extremely elderly patients who drive to the clinic and park on the sidewalk. He keeps on signing their drivers licenses.

No, what must happen is;
a) a friend moves into one and raves about it and gets them fired up to make the change. This is very rare. My late mother in law saw the light and made the move, but she was one in a million.
b) you actually get them to look at one and a kind and compassionate residence employee flatters them into making the move. "Oh, you will love living here, the trips, the meals, the friends".
c) or what will likely happen is you make the arrangement and tell them they are moving. There are tears, recriminations, snits and you may get written out of the will. ( Don't worry about that as there will be nothing left after they pay for the 'independent living' apartment. )

Unfortunately, at a certain point the elderly parent cannot make the decision objectively. The longer they stay in their homes the more isolated they become, they drive less and less, they don't get to the grocery store or the drug store and consequently they don't eat fresh food or take their medications. They are fearful of running out of money because all they hear is the bad news on the TV. They become victims of telephone soliciting. Their friends die off and they become isolated. Their doctors are too busy to spend anytime to hear their woes. But, they probably wouldn't tell the doctor anyway.

So, it is up to you.

When Dad finally flooded the house, we lied to them. We said that they cannot live there, that mold would grow quickly and that would be dangerous. We said that with their compromised breathing they couldn't be there when the contractor tore out the carpets and cut up the drywall. They had to get out NOW. Fortunately, the independent living apartments have temporary guest suites that are set up to slowly introduce new residents to the lifestyle. They see this new way of living from the perspective of a cruise ship tourist.
I suppose there was a mote of truth about what we said, and maybe they knew it too, but this was the open door and we were taking it.
So, lie.

Once they have moved things don't get much better, there are lots of falls, dizziness, complications with meds, lost keys, confusion about who said what but there is safety and someone is there to attend an emergency. And maybe more importantly, beyond nutritious food always in the dining room, is companionship.

So the lonely days are over. For the moment....