Harry and the Feds

By
Wendy Morrow
All North American rights reserved

Harry hated opening those brown envelopes with the pink insert that you could see through the plastic envelope window.
After it arrived in his mail box, he waited a day until he had enough stamina to take in the bad news. From previous experience Harry knew that to take the kind of bad news that the Revenue Canada can deliver, he needed to be sitting down with a hot cup of coffee. He needed to have his wits about him with no distractions.

He headed sideways down the narrow old basement stairs to where he had assembled his office, his coffee cup in one hand and the envelope in the other. At the fourth step he hunched is shoulders and ducked his head to avoid a goose egg on the forehead. His desk sat beside the washing machine and was carefully balanced over the sump pump drain. This was the only place in the basement with a window, although the window was only a foot high.

“It has to be bad news. The feds wouldn’t send me a thank you note or a get well card.” He grumbled, “It has to be something ominous like a demand…those bastards!” Harry was already working himself up. “What do those bloodthirsty sons of bitches want now?” Harry could feel the pulse rising on his temple.

His letter opener glistened in the feeble sunbeam that found its way through the dusty window. He slashed open the envelope and snapped the insert flat. He read.

“Failure to File GST Notice.”
You have an over due return as indicated below…..
Please contact us immediately.”

‘What?’ he said to the wet towel on the laundry line as it dripped onto his head, “I don’t have anything to file. I told you guys that. I sent you my return. I mailed it to you by Canada Post.”

Harry had sent Rev Can his Canada Post change of address and a cheque for $1.30, which was the present outstanding balance on his GST account. They had sent back to him a formal request for a change of address. Failure to File, they warned, would be the result if they were not in receipt of his payment, which they had returned to him. Harry sent another application to change his address and again, it was returned to him. “We are not in possession of your new address and therefore we are returning your application.” They said. They didn’t blush. They sent the notice to his new address.

Harry picked up the phone and called the 1-800 number on the notice. “Welcome to Revenue Canada, if you know the extension of the person you wish to contact, please enter that number now. Or, you may dial ‘0’ for an operator.

‘Beep’. Harry dialed zero. “We’re sorry, that number is no longer available, do you wish to try again?’

“Jeeze”. Moaned Harry as he punched in another 1-800 number that promised a more direct route.
“Welcome to Revenue Canada Business Inquiries the mailbox of the person you wish to contact is now full, please try again or go to our web site at dubdubdubdotgovdotcanunderscorewebackslashdontforwardslashgivedot adotshitforwardslashdot govdotca.
Bievenue a Revenue Canada….”
Harry nearly had the web site written down but the French translation blinded his concentration.
He dialed again. Beep, beep, beep, “We’re sorry this line is busy, for a small charge we will notify you when this line is free…….”